Celebrating another 365 days around the sun.
Why is it that Birthdays cause us to pause and reflect on our lives? It’s as if suddenly we have to figure everything out that we hadn’t done before… each year as we get older, we need to know why things didn’t work they way we were told they would… way back when… blah blah blah. The amount of expectations and pressures that were piled on as we got older, mainly from ourselves as we looked around and thought… that person has it better, easier, cushier, you name it they get it… and we somehow feel less?
I always thought I’d do the traditional get married, have children and buy a house route, but instead I was never able to get into figuring out how to have relationships that lasted. I had 15 years of miserable back problems, 7 years of chronic Lyme Disease and by the time I figured out I wanted children, it turned out I couldn’t have them. So how does one alter their perspective of what they always thought was their goal and then turn around and being OK with where you are now?
I think one of the main things is to learn to be OK with who you are now. Don’t beat yourself up and keep finding something good in each day. Today I decided to look back on past Notes From the Train reflections I had written in my journal before Dad died and I decided to share them here as a kind of look back in review.
December 2013: Reflections of this past year washed over me today as I got ready to start my next turn around this earth.
All morning I cleaned my apartment, put things in order as I boogied to random music coming through my computer... everything from the Beatles to ending with Nirvana's "Come as You are!" I paid attention to lyrics to all these songs to see how they struck a chord in my life, in my NOW as apposed to my many "thens". I realize I've never felt so ME in my life. So self-assured, so in my skin, clear minded, focused and happy. I feel as all these pieces of myself have finally come together. I look back and can see all these major key elements lining up to make this possible... I'd can honestly say it was years in the making, but there are a few things that pop out that I want to address. One is Jo DelAmor's amazing teaching, guidance and friendship. She was like a reality compass holding up the mirror, staying on message as she started to coach me about my food addiction into my emotional ties to food and so forth ending this Fall in her class on Empowerment.
Or perhaps it was the tattoo and the ceremony of setting the intention into my skin on my lower chakra.
Thank you to my friends for inviting me and all the rest of that crew for supporting me (you know who you are).
People keep saying they see me glowing and today they keep saying things like "you're on the verge of something great...
that THIS will be my year." I know it is. I can't even go into the words for that because they're not there. It's just a knowing.
Another highlight of my year started around that same time: Mandala Dance. I showed up around the 3rd one and started to sing. Marek Tresnak, then asked me to become part of the core group and do spirit singing and lead a song for each Mandala dance. I had no idea how much I needed to be asked to do this. Marek has a gift for knowing how to praise a person, to feed the fragile ego that got lost somehow, without turning it into EGO. I think there are times we all need to know we are worthy. To be part of and help create this most beautiful community event, is one of the highlights of my year. Thank you to Jon, LIsa, Chris, Tarynn and Hillary as well. You have become family to me and I'm so grateful for you being in my life.
Then there is YOU, the readers. Who knew I'd gain such a following for Notes from the Train???? During my setting of the intention for my tattoo, I said it was my intention to get my book published, thinking it would be a book of my poems. I had NO idea it would be a book based on my journal entries. But more and more, it is flowing out of me. I never thought my journal writing could be anything more than that. Thank you to Sheila Radziewicz for showing me the way (yes, you did it first and then I HAD to follow) and to all those other writers out there who inspire me day in and day out.
A HUGE thanks also goes to one of my favorite people, Sarah Strong for being so devious about getting me hooked on the BBC's Sherlock Holmes. I Love you!
And I've now reached the rambling-it's-way-to-late-I-need-to-be-in-bed-an-hour-ago part of my Birthday.
I'm sure the rambling will continue at some point tomorrow.
Now to sleep, for the dreams are awaiting me.
Mom, I think I'm channeling my inner 2yr old because I'm not sleepy at all. But don't worry, I don't have any intentions of climbing my Christmas Tree, or yours for that matter, so you won't have to sleep under it. Love you, ME
December 2012: Birthday reflections. I vow to put my heart in this world. To finish my book and let my voice be heard. To be a voice for those who can't speak. To shine a light in the darkness and hold up the mirror of truth. Thank you for this precious life... This gift. This passion, the spark of imagination, the love, and all my friends in my many communities.
Tonight, I hear the departed in my heart. Such memories of my Grampy, Paul Fortin, Scotty Olsen, Nan... An Birthdays past. Remembering last year with my entire family here in Concord when we visited Louisa May Alcott's House and then had an amazing dinner at the Inn. I love you all so very much. I'm so blessed.
December 2011: At this time of year I look for quiet reflection, but today as I passed Walden pond, I found none. Instead a cacophony of celebration erupted as the trees, waving me along the train route, sang to me like a traveling band... "We are so happy you're here, so glad you were born... Happy Birthday my friend!" and so on. And if there was any doubt that this is where I belonged, where my home should be, in that moment all doubts fled.
December 2010: "Imagine all the people... living life in peace.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..." John Lennon
Happy Birthday… you made it to anther year.
the Earth keeps spinning
another year has gone.
We look into the everything we are
and some are amazed they landed here
in the land of today.
Through the haze of age there is something
that always survives…
the will to keep on turning, to keep on
and so it goes
and so it goes
I for one, am grateful
that I am here and now
celebrating another turn around the sun.